A daily reminder to myself. I am strong enough! You never know how strong you can be until being strong is the only option...
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Broken Pieces
There are little broken pieces of my heart scattered around. I keep finding them. I try to put them back together. Will it ever be whole again? Will it function properly?
Some days the pain is so raw. I have high hopes that we will remain friends for our kids sake but being friends is so hard. Anger is so much easier to feel than pain. I hate the pain. It's like a small thorn in my heel. If I limp along and keep the pressure off my wound, I can manage... but the minute I start to get my feet on the ground it's there. A sharp, piercing pain. Intolerable. It stays there until I lift my heel and begin limping along again. I need to pull the thorn from my foot but I can't. It's too deep. Maybe it isn't a thorn at all...
Maybe, just maybe it's one of the broken pieces of my heart. A splinter of broken glass that fell from my shattered existance. Can my heart be whole without it? Will my body heal around it and eventually build callouses so I no longer feel the pain?
Only time will tell... until then, I continue to limp along, protecting myself from the sharp pain of the splinters of my heart.
Some days the pain is so raw. I have high hopes that we will remain friends for our kids sake but being friends is so hard. Anger is so much easier to feel than pain. I hate the pain. It's like a small thorn in my heel. If I limp along and keep the pressure off my wound, I can manage... but the minute I start to get my feet on the ground it's there. A sharp, piercing pain. Intolerable. It stays there until I lift my heel and begin limping along again. I need to pull the thorn from my foot but I can't. It's too deep. Maybe it isn't a thorn at all...
Maybe, just maybe it's one of the broken pieces of my heart. A splinter of broken glass that fell from my shattered existance. Can my heart be whole without it? Will my body heal around it and eventually build callouses so I no longer feel the pain?
Only time will tell... until then, I continue to limp along, protecting myself from the sharp pain of the splinters of my heart.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Courage
I saw a quote today, I have no idea who said it and these aren't the exact words, but it struck me pretty hard. I feel like it bears to be repeated...
Courage doesn't always come as a roar. Often times times it's merely a whisper at the end of a hard day that says "I will try again tomorrow".
Oh how true that is. Some days that is the only courage I have left. I will always just keep trying, because my sons deserve that from me at the very least. What better life lesson could I possibly teach them?
Courage doesn't always come as a roar. Often times times it's merely a whisper at the end of a hard day that says "I will try again tomorrow".
Oh how true that is. Some days that is the only courage I have left. I will always just keep trying, because my sons deserve that from me at the very least. What better life lesson could I possibly teach them?
Friday, February 17, 2012
Shit Creek Survivor
A title I've certainly earned with all of lifes tests I've been put through in the past 6 months. The tests keep coming, and I keep surviving... only time will tell.
Lightyears Apart
I dropped Garrett off at the sitter and headed towards work. He was home from school sick, and I had a long day of work ahead of me. My mind was scattered. I was thinking about a million different things all at once, which is typical for me these days. I turned the corner onto the main road and there it was. The bright blue Ford truck that I have come to dread. I looked right at him, but he never looks at me anymore. He avoids eye contact at all cost. I wonder to myself, does he do this because he knows how much he has hurt me? Does he regret the way things turned out? Is he not as happy with his new life as he pretends to be? The thoughts start flowing through my mind like a rain filled brook, noisy and uncontrollable. I can't turn them off. I can't even divert them. I have no choice but to face them.
I flipped on my blinker and turned onto the bridge. I caught myself watching the unique truck that symbolizes so much for me. It heads down the road, and I watch until I can no longer see. My heart is screaming. As strong as I try to be most days, some days the pain is impossibe to shake. I take a deep breath.
I realized during that brief experience that regardless of the fifteen years we spent together, today we are light years apart. The man I knew better than anyone in the world I suddenly do not know at all. Was it all for nothing? Is this how it will always be?
I take it all in. I process some of my thoughts and push most of them aside. It's time to put my game face on. I will be ok. I know I will develop a new normal in my life and that things will get easier. I will never forget though. Some things, like bright blue Ford trucks, will always take me to that place in my memories. I can only hope that someday they make me smile for what we had and not grieve for what was lost.
I flipped on my blinker and turned onto the bridge. I caught myself watching the unique truck that symbolizes so much for me. It heads down the road, and I watch until I can no longer see. My heart is screaming. As strong as I try to be most days, some days the pain is impossibe to shake. I take a deep breath.
I realized during that brief experience that regardless of the fifteen years we spent together, today we are light years apart. The man I knew better than anyone in the world I suddenly do not know at all. Was it all for nothing? Is this how it will always be?
I take it all in. I process some of my thoughts and push most of them aside. It's time to put my game face on. I will be ok. I know I will develop a new normal in my life and that things will get easier. I will never forget though. Some things, like bright blue Ford trucks, will always take me to that place in my memories. I can only hope that someday they make me smile for what we had and not grieve for what was lost.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Life After You
Life After You... my first post-divorce poem, dedicated to Philip.
Life after you
Is there life after you?
Will I ever love so true?
When the right man comes to me,
How much damage will he see?
The question lingers, I need to ask.
Moving on is one hard task.
We held on tight for 15 years,
The last few years were filled with tears.
Time took you from me like a thief.
It shattered me with no relief.
Its 4am, I lie awake
With all this pain I just cant shake.
Will there be a life for me?
Will my heart ever be free?
Is there life after you?
Will my heart know what to do?
I struggle each and everyday.
I trudge through, I find my way.
My smile is on hiatus though
My heart and mind, they want to know,
Is there life after you?
Will someone ever love me too?
There's so much left for me to give,
But I must first relearn to live.
There surely is life after you.
A life that's mine, a life that's new.
I tell myself I'll be ok.
My smile will come back someday.
I will find happiness again.
you will be but a memory then.
One in my heart, forever more,
Of love I lost, life closed that door.
There will be life after you.
My heart will find it pure and true.
And when I finally find a way,
It will be my best and brightest day.
Teah Ranney
December 2011
Life after you
Is there life after you?
Will I ever love so true?
When the right man comes to me,
How much damage will he see?
The question lingers, I need to ask.
Moving on is one hard task.
We held on tight for 15 years,
The last few years were filled with tears.
Time took you from me like a thief.
It shattered me with no relief.
Its 4am, I lie awake
With all this pain I just cant shake.
Will there be a life for me?
Will my heart ever be free?
Is there life after you?
Will my heart know what to do?
I struggle each and everyday.
I trudge through, I find my way.
My smile is on hiatus though
My heart and mind, they want to know,
Is there life after you?
Will someone ever love me too?
There's so much left for me to give,
But I must first relearn to live.
There surely is life after you.
A life that's mine, a life that's new.
I tell myself I'll be ok.
My smile will come back someday.
I will find happiness again.
you will be but a memory then.
One in my heart, forever more,
Of love I lost, life closed that door.
There will be life after you.
My heart will find it pure and true.
And when I finally find a way,
It will be my best and brightest day.
Teah Ranney
December 2011
Smile and make someones day a little brighter...
A morsel of advice I posted to facebook a month after my divorce, (it was dated August 6th 2011) after reading a comment one of my (ex)husbands friends had written directed at me about marriage not being sacred and people not taking their vows seriously. Judgements are so frustrating. Especially when those passing judegement are not directly involved, don't know the facts, etc...
It's just a post I feel bears repeating because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Smile and make their day, or atleast a few moments of it a little brighter. It could mean the world to them.
I get REALLY annoyed at people's judgement and commentary on those going through a divorce, especially from the mouths of people who have never even been married, have no kids, and no idea what it takes to be in a long term commited relationship. Yes, marriage is supposed to be forever, but sadly, life circumstances change, people change, and with that some couples grow together, and others grow apart. Until you walk in my shoes, and feel an ounce of the pain I feel, back off. The last thing people who are dealing with often the biggest, most stressful, often heartbreaking loss of their life, is comments putting them down. Life is hard. Love is harder. Heartbreak is the worst feeling in the world, and regardless of how bad my marriage (or any marriage) was at the end, it is still heartbreaking and painful to have it fail. Yes, I am sure I will be happier in the end, but I lost everything I have ever known, my partner, my best friend, my companion for 15 years, and until you honestly know what that feels like you have no right to judge. Until you know what living my life everyday, with a husband who worked non-stop, surmounting farm debt, etc. was like, you have no right to judge. Every person you meet is fighting some form of life battle. The best thing you can do for someone is to smile at them. No one needs negativity in their life... especially those you already KNOW are struggling. That is my thought for the day.
It's just a post I feel bears repeating because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Smile and make their day, or atleast a few moments of it a little brighter. It could mean the world to them.
I get REALLY annoyed at people's judgement and commentary on those going through a divorce, especially from the mouths of people who have never even been married, have no kids, and no idea what it takes to be in a long term commited relationship. Yes, marriage is supposed to be forever, but sadly, life circumstances change, people change, and with that some couples grow together, and others grow apart. Until you walk in my shoes, and feel an ounce of the pain I feel, back off. The last thing people who are dealing with often the biggest, most stressful, often heartbreaking loss of their life, is comments putting them down. Life is hard. Love is harder. Heartbreak is the worst feeling in the world, and regardless of how bad my marriage (or any marriage) was at the end, it is still heartbreaking and painful to have it fail. Yes, I am sure I will be happier in the end, but I lost everything I have ever known, my partner, my best friend, my companion for 15 years, and until you honestly know what that feels like you have no right to judge. Until you know what living my life everyday, with a husband who worked non-stop, surmounting farm debt, etc. was like, you have no right to judge. Every person you meet is fighting some form of life battle. The best thing you can do for someone is to smile at them. No one needs negativity in their life... especially those you already KNOW are struggling. That is my thought for the day.
Generations
This is a poem I wrote in English Composition, based on the poem Where I'm From by George Ella Lyons. This was written while we were married, about my life in general, as a daughter, a wife and a mother...
I Am From
I am from a willow tree
Swaying peacefully on Grandma's hill.
I am from wild strawberries that ripen in the sun,
And flower gardens in bloom.
I am from leaves changing in the fall,
And the laughter of kids in costumes.
From Spaghetti and Pepsi, as birthday candles flare.
I am from footed pajamas and copper ringlets.
I am from my love, he works hard everyday.
I am from the brown cow, lulling softly to her newborn calf.
I am from the smell of sweet hay filling the barn,
And the rustle of happily munching cows.
I am from juice boxes and sippy cups,
And clothes scatterered about. I am from
"Mommy I love you!" and "Goodnight Moon"
I am from Coyote Kisses and great big bear hugs.
Cowboy boots, a Spongebob blankie,
And a stuffed doggy named Bubba.
I am from strong women, generations passing down.
I am from survival and drama, love and abuse.
I am from a mistake that opened another door.
A window that let the sun pour through
On a rainy day. I am from a rainbow.
A beautiful blend of colors, stretching gracefully across the farm.
I am the pot of gold.
Teah Ranney
January 2010
I Am From
I am from a willow tree
Swaying peacefully on Grandma's hill.
I am from wild strawberries that ripen in the sun,
And flower gardens in bloom.
I am from leaves changing in the fall,
And the laughter of kids in costumes.
From Spaghetti and Pepsi, as birthday candles flare.
I am from footed pajamas and copper ringlets.
I am from my love, he works hard everyday.
I am from the brown cow, lulling softly to her newborn calf.
I am from the smell of sweet hay filling the barn,
And the rustle of happily munching cows.
I am from juice boxes and sippy cups,
And clothes scatterered about. I am from
"Mommy I love you!" and "Goodnight Moon"
I am from Coyote Kisses and great big bear hugs.
Cowboy boots, a Spongebob blankie,
And a stuffed doggy named Bubba.
I am from strong women, generations passing down.
I am from survival and drama, love and abuse.
I am from a mistake that opened another door.
A window that let the sun pour through
On a rainy day. I am from a rainbow.
A beautiful blend of colors, stretching gracefully across the farm.
I am the pot of gold.
Teah Ranney
January 2010
The Ship
This is a poem I wrote for Philip, dealing with my emotions of being seperated. It's how I envision many people dealing with seperation and divorce must feel. I wrote this a couple months before filing for divorce while we were seperated but co-habitating...
The Ship
By Teah Ranney
I feel so lost and all alone, the feelings are cold, I'm chilled to the bone.
Not really sure where life goes from here, I want happiness but it doesn't seem near.
My heart has been shattered, the pieces are glued. I wish I could find that my comfort renewed...
Instead the glue has gone by and just doesn't hold, the pieces still fall as I keep growing old.
Half of my life, we have spent it together, I thought we were tough, and the storms we could weather.
Now I see that our ship has been hit and is sinking, we can never agree on what we are thinking.
Do we love each other for real any longer? Can we repair the ship and make it be stronger?
Will we drown with our ship in the ocean of sorrow? Today is the present, will we be here tomorrow?
My mind often wanders to a happier place. Thoughts of our past bring a smile to my face.
We once had a good life I wouldn't have traded. I know that's gone now and I feel like we're jaded.
My soul mate, my lover, best friend all those years. We once cried together, now we're split by our tears.
We have been through so much that no one could see. I held you through sadness and you held onto me.
The world was against us but we kept trudging through. The world is my enemy 'cause I'm lost without you.
I'm not really sure what to do with my pain, it gets harder. The bitterness and anger make me tread in cold water.
I want to let go of my sadness and give up the fight. My heart be not heavy, but cheerful and light.
Can we do this together? I really don't know. I haven't lost hope that we can learn how to grow.
To be the best parents, we know what to do, and to be better spouses, that's a goal that is new.
I love you today and I will tomorrow as well, I'm trying to show you but we're walking thru hell.
Our love for each other must lead this trip, and our memories, the map to a newly built ship
The Ship
By Teah Ranney
I feel so lost and all alone, the feelings are cold, I'm chilled to the bone.
Not really sure where life goes from here, I want happiness but it doesn't seem near.
My heart has been shattered, the pieces are glued. I wish I could find that my comfort renewed...
Instead the glue has gone by and just doesn't hold, the pieces still fall as I keep growing old.
Half of my life, we have spent it together, I thought we were tough, and the storms we could weather.
Now I see that our ship has been hit and is sinking, we can never agree on what we are thinking.
Do we love each other for real any longer? Can we repair the ship and make it be stronger?
Will we drown with our ship in the ocean of sorrow? Today is the present, will we be here tomorrow?
My mind often wanders to a happier place. Thoughts of our past bring a smile to my face.
We once had a good life I wouldn't have traded. I know that's gone now and I feel like we're jaded.
My soul mate, my lover, best friend all those years. We once cried together, now we're split by our tears.
We have been through so much that no one could see. I held you through sadness and you held onto me.
The world was against us but we kept trudging through. The world is my enemy 'cause I'm lost without you.
I'm not really sure what to do with my pain, it gets harder. The bitterness and anger make me tread in cold water.
I want to let go of my sadness and give up the fight. My heart be not heavy, but cheerful and light.
Can we do this together? I really don't know. I haven't lost hope that we can learn how to grow.
To be the best parents, we know what to do, and to be better spouses, that's a goal that is new.
I love you today and I will tomorrow as well, I'm trying to show you but we're walking thru hell.
Our love for each other must lead this trip, and our memories, the map to a newly built ship
Broken Windows, Open Doors
My marriage both began and ended with a broken window. When I reflect on my life, symbolism is abundant. People say that we have little control over where destiny will take us and that life just happens the way it was meant to happen. I don't know how much I believe that... but sometimes it seems to me that my life could be straight out of a well written novel.
On February 2nd, 2002 I married the man I thought would be my partner, my best friend, my soulmate for the rest of my life. I envisioned growing old with him and rocking away on our farm while sun shined on our grey hair. We had been a couple for 5 years and at 20 years old, I couldn't view my life any other way. Our wedding day was perfectly imperfect. Our flowers arrived late, the church had lost power the night before in an insane ice storm so it was cold and the organ was frozen. No music, running off schedule, and the night before, a huge chunk of ice had blew off our home and smashed the windshield of my fiance's truck. Our crazy hectic life started with this shattered glass.
Fast forward almost 10 years later. Life got the best of us. After 2 kids, a failed Dairy farm and insane amount of debt later, our marriage was crumbling. In a brief altercation between us on July 4th 2011, out of anger and genuine panic at the loss I was surely facing, I broke his truck windshield. This is an action I am not proud of, but take full responsiblity for... thus ending our marriage with this shattered glass.
I filed for Divorce on July 7th, 2011.
This blog is my journey. How broken windows have opened doors. I am a 30 year old woman, learning how to function on my own, as both a mother to my children, a single girl trying to learn the ropes, and living (and learning to love) a life I never imagined.
Buckle up and enjoy the ride...
On February 2nd, 2002 I married the man I thought would be my partner, my best friend, my soulmate for the rest of my life. I envisioned growing old with him and rocking away on our farm while sun shined on our grey hair. We had been a couple for 5 years and at 20 years old, I couldn't view my life any other way. Our wedding day was perfectly imperfect. Our flowers arrived late, the church had lost power the night before in an insane ice storm so it was cold and the organ was frozen. No music, running off schedule, and the night before, a huge chunk of ice had blew off our home and smashed the windshield of my fiance's truck. Our crazy hectic life started with this shattered glass.
Fast forward almost 10 years later. Life got the best of us. After 2 kids, a failed Dairy farm and insane amount of debt later, our marriage was crumbling. In a brief altercation between us on July 4th 2011, out of anger and genuine panic at the loss I was surely facing, I broke his truck windshield. This is an action I am not proud of, but take full responsiblity for... thus ending our marriage with this shattered glass.
I filed for Divorce on July 7th, 2011.
This blog is my journey. How broken windows have opened doors. I am a 30 year old woman, learning how to function on my own, as both a mother to my children, a single girl trying to learn the ropes, and living (and learning to love) a life I never imagined.
Buckle up and enjoy the ride...
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