I dropped Garrett off at the sitter and headed towards work. He was home from school sick, and I had a long day of work ahead of me. My mind was scattered. I was thinking about a million different things all at once, which is typical for me these days. I turned the corner onto the main road and there it was. The bright blue Ford truck that I have come to dread. I looked right at him, but he never looks at me anymore. He avoids eye contact at all cost. I wonder to myself, does he do this because he knows how much he has hurt me? Does he regret the way things turned out? Is he not as happy with his new life as he pretends to be? The thoughts start flowing through my mind like a rain filled brook, noisy and uncontrollable. I can't turn them off. I can't even divert them. I have no choice but to face them.
I flipped on my blinker and turned onto the bridge. I caught myself watching the unique truck that symbolizes so much for me. It heads down the road, and I watch until I can no longer see. My heart is screaming. As strong as I try to be most days, some days the pain is impossibe to shake. I take a deep breath.
I realized during that brief experience that regardless of the fifteen years we spent together, today we are light years apart. The man I knew better than anyone in the world I suddenly do not know at all. Was it all for nothing? Is this how it will always be?
I take it all in. I process some of my thoughts and push most of them aside. It's time to put my game face on. I will be ok. I know I will develop a new normal in my life and that things will get easier. I will never forget though. Some things, like bright blue Ford trucks, will always take me to that place in my memories. I can only hope that someday they make me smile for what we had and not grieve for what was lost.
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