Benched

As i sit here and think about,
What it is about you...
My heart skips a beat
And my mind races too.
I look at your eyes,
And thats where its told,
Your mysterious story begins to unfold.
A man thats in love with a girl thats not here,
And the girl that is here has been living in fear.
She tries to stay strong because she's sees something there.
A man thats been hurt and needs tender care.
She steps up and holds him when life holds no slack.
Runs her hands through his hair and caresses his back.
The whole time she wonders, will it always be rough?
Will he ever truly love her? Will she be enough?
Will he girl that he left be the one that he longs for?
Will his mind always wonder if he should've done more?
Will he wallow in sadness or can they move on?
Will the doubt and the anguish ever be gone?
The girl that is here sits melancholy,
His friends, they all tell him but he's too blind to see.
She is falling quite fast and will hand him her heart,
She'll only be able if his past and him part.
For now she keeps trying, hoping he'll see...
That she is a good one, and always will be.

Scattered Emotions

My thoughts are scattered,
Frazzled in the mist...
You tore through my world
Like a clenched tight fist

I hear what your saying
Your hearts a thick shell.
I feel your burden,
I too, have seen hell.

Emotions inclusive,
Mine tend to run high.
My fear is a loyal
Kindhearted guy.

Ive been burnt before
My scars, they run deep.
It will take a strong person
But i promise you'll reap.

Im a genuine person,
Let me heal your heart,
And have you remind me
That life is an art.

The past is the past,
We both had our falls
The future may be amazing
If fate makes the calls.

Im finished with drama,
Im focused on you.
I will walk by your side,
And show you I'm true.

Ease your mind from the doubts,
They shadow your light.
Love is a battlefield,
I'm ready to fight...

Broken Christmas

Christmas Day is coming,
Its right around the bend.
The hustle and the bustle
Family and friends.

Its supposed to be a joyful time
But i have to struggle through.
Christmas time reminds me
That my life is missing you.

We used to be a family
And our kids were truly blessed.
Now there's Mom's house, Dads house
It feels like such a mess.

I know Im strong and I'll pull through
The boys, they light my life.
I miss our family unit,
And being a good wife.

I hope this Christmas bring you peace
And maybe some to me
Our friendship's what i treasure,
In our broken family.

Wonder Lust

He's got a smile that melts a snowball,
But he's mysteriously shy...
I laid my eyes upon him
And my blood just pumped on by.

His eyes the bluest eyes,
I call them stormy sea.
He kisses me all down my neck
As his eyes, they weaken me.

He runs his fingers up my back
I can barely stand it now
The lights go out, he lays me down
My body's ready...wow.

I lean my face down over his,
And kiss his lips. Divine!
He makes his way inside me
As his eyes lock into mine

The enticement sends me into chills
Im dripping as we go.
He flips around and gently thrusts
His pleasure really shows.

He makes it last into the night
Quiet as can be
Ooops we're getting kinda loud
Oh me oh my oh me!

It finally hits the perfect time
To pull it out and go
I look into his sweet blue eyes
My feelings start to show.

I dont know where we're headed
I dont know what we'll be.
I know i really like him
And i know that he likes me.

Our lives are pretty different
We both have hardened scars
How will we know just if its right
oh keeper of the stars...

He says he should protect me
From himself and all his ways
He doesnt know Im loyal
Or how this movie plays...

I dont know just what is here
Is a couple in the midst?
I only know how much i crave
His sweet and gentle kiss.

I walked him to his truck tonight
As the snowflakes gently fell.
He wrapped his coat around me
And my heart let out a yell.

It said this boys a keeper.
He is gentle and hes kind.
Dont let your heart and head play games
But keep this one in mind.

Its only just the start
The beginnings always sweet
Our paths will cross this way or that
And fates what made us meet.

Great friends, or lovers whos to say
Right now its hard to know.
Enjoying each others company,
Soon it all will show.

Some past things need to be let free,
An internal peace be found
Can we heal each other,
From the ties that keep us bound?

Either way it heads to be
Im happy he's along.
His presence ever fruitful
In my melancholy song.

Christmas Kitten... A true story.

She came to the doorstep
And let out a cry,
A lost, lonely kitten
I had to reply.

So small and so sweet,
Just a wee little thing
I picked her up,
As she started to sing.

Her body was cold,
She was shivering bad.
I gave her a snuggle,
And some food that i had.

I dubbed her my own,
And named her Noelle...
She found us on Christmas
Now isnt that swell?

A new baby kitten,
With beautiful fur
An unexpected present
To love, thats for sure!

My little Noelle,
You picked the right place.
The cold and the predators
You no longer face.

Snuggle up on the couch,
And live your life right.
We both fell in love,
That long Christmas night.

Keeping you safe.

A poem I wrote in light of the Sandy Hook Elementary Shool Massacre on December 14th, 2012. 20 little angels gained their wings along with 6 adults who died protecting them.

Keeping you safe...

"I want to get to Heaven
Before Mommy does
So i can be there waiting
With snuggles and big hugs."

"Mommy says thats not the way
A childs here on earth to stay
She never wants to feel the hole
Of watching her child become a soul"

To the loves of my life,

I love you more today than ever before,
Im thankful that soon you will come through the door.
You will hang up your backpack and kick off your shoes.
We will hug, and i loves, and i really missed you's.

My heart dearly aches for the ones who were shot,
We must show their loved ones they wont be forgot.
I cant even imagine their pain and their sorrow,
Of never getting another tomorrow.

My boys, how i love you, And if only you knew
There is absolutely nothing that i wouldnt do
To make sure you are safe and out of harms way
That is my purpose, day after day.

Sometimes late at night, i watch as you sleep
I feel so complete and my pride runs so deep.
My children are safe and their dreams will be sweet
And when morning comes, they'll be up on their feet.

A new day arises and hope runs abound
Mommy! I love you! My favorite sound.
Get ready for school, you'll be safe there today.
Your teachers will keep you out of harms way.

Your job is to learn, to grow and be free.
Not doubt the world, or its evil entities..
Stand tall and stay strong, its a dark scary place.
My love lights your way, my child. Have faith.

Could it be?

Is it true? My heart is functioning again? Life has knocked me down and run me over. Somehow lately I seemed to have successfully picked up the pieces and my smile is slowly returning.

Well you see, there is this boy. He gives me butterflies when he kisses me. He fills the void that was dragging me down. I laugh with him. I am silly with him. The feeling of newness and hope refills me.

I almost forgot what those butterflies felt like. Gone were the days where I could peer out over my glasses and think to myself, "Man, I am such a lucky girl." I never realized the value of this feeling until I lost it. Can it be that I was given another chance to embrace the sweet feeling once again? Maybe.

Only time will tell. As for right now, I am living in the moment. Thankful to sepnd time with him. Continuing to pick up the broken pieces and carry on. Amongst everything, he has taught me that my heart really is functioning, and that I really do have so much left to give.

A Mama's Dream

My sons first writing assignment for 4th grade was for his parents to write their hopes and dream for their child for the upcoming year. Here is what I wrote...

A Mama's Dream
My hopes and dreams for my son this year is comfort and happiness. Last year was a major transition year for my family. There were many adjustments made and even more tears shed. As we start this year with a regular routine in place, things are much more mellow and settled.
Garrett is such a strong child, he is by nature a nurturer. He has constantly been watching out for me. I want for him this year to be able to relax and see that I am really okay. I want him to enjoy 4th grade as a child.
I wish for him to let go of his worries and freely embrace his own expressions, hobbies and enjoyments.  He is such a smart child, an old soul seemingly wise beyond his 9 years.
I want to see him content. To know that he can do anything he puts his brlilliant little mind to, and that he has my endless support, guidance and infinate love.
My Child, My Son, My Everything.
Love, Mom

Low Milk Prices

I hate seeing these articles. My heart crumbles a tiny bit more, if that's even possible. My eyes well up with tears. Most people just keep flipping through the paper or scrolling down the screen. Not me. 

Why you may ask? Well I have been there. I have struggled everyday with a spouse who was desperately trying to survive and support his cows, his crops and his family on low milk prices. Ultimately, it was low milk prices that took everything away from me.

You see, by the time we realized that selling out would be our only option it was too late. We had no choice but to file bankruptcy. The financial turmoil and stressful workload placed on my husband while I was caring for our two young sons (affording labor or daycare being impossible) was far too heavy. The downward spiral continued. Within 6 months of seeing our beloved, hand raised, family heirloom cows go, our marriage had suffered irreparably. 

I often over hear people complaining about how much a gallon of milk costs in the store. I have to walk away. I want to interrupt them and say "let me tell you exactly what a gallon of milk costed me." 

I used to feel sad when I would I see an article about another family farm going under. Now, I quietly pray that they made the decision before losing everything like us, and that maybe, just maybe they will be able to breathe a sigh of relief.

Starting Over

Starting over was harder then I ever could have imagined. How do you face the world while you're in unbearable pain? I had been a stay at home mom and out of the work force for 8 years. I suddenly found myself with no income, no car, and no place to call home. I was terrified. A month after my seperation, I got the job. Its been a rough adjustment, but it feels great to earn my own paycheck and not have anyone tell me I'm "spending their money". Everything I have now, I have earned myself. The car came shortly after the job with the help of my family. In November I moved into my own apartment on my own. Its been a tough row to hoe, but vastly rewarding. I'm proud of how far I've come. Sure, finances are horribly tight... but I am independent for the first time in my life. That feeling is priceless.

Rock Bottom

Rock Bottom is a place many people will never see. Those that do see it often feel desolate and hopeless. It's a dark, dreary place for sure but it's also a place filled with knowledge. When you are at Rock Bottom many people will abandon you. You will learn so much about the people you thought were friends and you will meet new people dealing with similar struggles. You will find a way to develop a support system. You will eventually find the strength to shimmy your way back up. It is a very painful and scary yet humbling and at the same time gratifying experience.

If you take all the knowledge and strength you can gather while you're passing through Rock Bottom, you will be better equipped to handle new challenges in life. You will be strong and proud. As JK Rowling said, use Rock Bottom to create your new foundation.

These are the moments...

These are the moments I live for.

My kids are what keep me moving forward. They are my strength. They give me courage. They don't know this, to them I am just Mom. The woman that loves them more than life itself. That's the greatest thing I could ever be.

Today was a rough day. My emotions were a struggle. I was feeling weak and vulnerable.  Sawyer, my sweet little cuddler wanted to make me feel better so he crawled up on the couch with me and we proceeded to take silly pictures, one of our favorite things to do. Who can look at silly pictures, afterall... and not giggle!? Certainly not me or Sawyer.

I hope one day that I am able to show them all these gifts they give to me on a daily basis -gifts that are intangible yet priceless. How will I ever repay them?

By continuing to put one foot in front of the other even on days that seem hopeless and dreary. I do it for them. I do it because a mothers love is powerful enough to move mountains. 

Strong Enough

A daily reminder to myself. I am strong enough! You never know how strong you can be until being strong is the only option...

Broken Pieces

There are little broken pieces of my heart scattered around. I keep finding them. I try to put them back together. Will it ever be whole again? Will it function properly? 

Some days the pain is so raw. I have high hopes that we will remain friends for our kids sake but being friends is so hard. Anger is so much easier to feel than pain. I hate the pain. It's like a small thorn in my heel. If I limp along and keep the pressure off my wound, I can manage... but the minute I start to get my feet on the ground it's there. A sharp, piercing pain. Intolerable. It stays there until I lift my heel and begin limping along again. I need to pull the thorn from my foot but I can't. It's too deep. Maybe it isn't a thorn at all...

Maybe, just maybe it's one of the broken pieces of my heart. A splinter of broken glass that fell from my shattered existance. Can my heart be whole without it? Will my body heal around it and eventually build callouses so I no longer feel the pain?

Only time will tell... until then, I continue to limp along, protecting myself from the sharp pain of the splinters of my heart.

Courage

I saw a quote today, I have no idea who said it and these aren't the exact words, but it struck me pretty hard. I feel like it bears to be repeated...

Courage doesn't always come as a roar. Often times times it's merely a whisper at the end of a hard day that says "I will try again tomorrow".

Oh how true that is. Some days that is the only courage I have left. I will always just keep trying, because my sons deserve that from me at the very least. What better life lesson could I possibly teach them?

Shit Creek Survivor

A title I've certainly earned with all of lifes tests I've been put through in the past 6 months. The tests keep coming, and I keep surviving... only time will tell.

Self Worth

This was one of my biggest mistakes. Its hard to overcome the feeling of inadequacy...

Lightyears Apart

I dropped Garrett off at the sitter and headed towards work. He was home from school sick, and I had a long day of work ahead of me. My mind was scattered. I was thinking about a million different things all at once, which is typical for me these days. I turned the corner onto the main road and there it was. The bright blue Ford truck that I have come to dread. I looked right at him, but he never looks at me anymore. He avoids eye contact at all cost. I wonder to myself, does he do this because he knows how much he has hurt me? Does he regret the way things turned out? Is he not as happy with his new life as he pretends to be? The thoughts start flowing through my mind like a rain filled brook, noisy and uncontrollable. I can't turn them off. I can't even divert them. I have no choice but to face them.

I flipped on my blinker and turned onto the bridge. I caught myself watching the unique truck that symbolizes so much for me. It heads down the road, and I watch until I can no longer see. My heart is screaming. As strong as I try to be most days, some days the pain is impossibe to shake. I take a deep breath.

I realized during that brief experience that regardless of the fifteen years we spent together, today we are light years apart. The man I knew better than anyone in the world I suddenly do not know at all. Was it all for nothing? Is this how it will always be?

I take it all in. I process some of my thoughts and push most of them aside. It's time to put my game face on. I will be ok. I know I will develop a new normal in my life and that things will get easier. I will never forget though. Some things, like bright blue Ford trucks, will always take me to that place in my memories. I can only hope that someday they make me smile for what we had and not grieve for what was lost.

My Strength

My Strength, My reason, My everything.

Life After You

Life After You... my first post-divorce poem, dedicated to Philip.
Life after you
Is there life after you?
Will I ever love so true?
When the right man comes to me,
How much damage will he see?
The question lingers, I need to ask.
Moving on is one hard task.
We held on tight for 15 years,
The last few years were filled with tears.
Time took you from me like a thief.
It shattered me with no relief.
Its 4am, I lie awake
With all this pain I just cant shake.
Will there be a life for me?
Will my heart ever be free?
Is there life after you?
Will my heart know what to do?
I struggle each and everyday.
I trudge through, I find my way.
My smile is on hiatus though
My heart and mind, they want to know,
Is there life after you?
Will someone ever love me too?
There's so much left for me to give,
But I must first relearn to live.
There surely is life after you.
A life that's mine, a life that's new.
I tell myself I'll be ok.
My smile will come back someday.
I will find happiness again.
you will be but a memory then.
One in my heart, forever more,
Of love I lost, life closed that door.
There will be life after you.
My heart will find it pure and true.
And when I finally find a way,
It will be my best and brightest day.

Teah Ranney
December 2011

Smile and make someones day a little brighter...

A morsel of advice I posted to facebook a month after my divorce, (it was dated August 6th 2011) after reading a comment one of my (ex)husbands friends had written directed at me about marriage not being sacred and people not taking their vows seriously. Judgements are so frustrating. Especially when those passing judegement are not directly involved, don't know the facts, etc...

It's just a post I feel bears repeating because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Smile and make their day, or atleast a few moments of it a little brighter. It could mean the world to them.



I get REALLY annoyed at people's judgement and commentary on those going through a divorce, especially from the mouths of people who have never even been married, have no kids, and no idea what it takes to be in a long term commited relationship. Yes, marriage is supposed to be forever, but sadly, life circumstances change, people change, and with that some couples grow together, and others grow apart. Until you walk in my shoes, and feel an ounce of the pain I feel, back off. The last thing people who are dealing with often the biggest, most stressful, often heartbreaking loss of their life, is comments putting them down. Life is hard. Love is harder. Heartbreak is the worst feeling in the world, and regardless of how bad my marriage (or any marriage) was at the end, it is still heartbreaking and painful to have it fail. Yes, I am sure I will be happier in the end, but I lost everything I have ever known, my partner, my best friend, my companion for 15 years, and until you honestly know what that feels like you have no right to judge. Until you know what living my life everyday, with a husband who worked non-stop, surmounting farm debt, etc. was like, you have no right to judge. Every person you meet is fighting some form of life battle. The best thing you can do for someone is to smile at them. No one needs negativity in their life... especially those you already KNOW are struggling. That is my thought for the day.

Generations

This is a poem I wrote in English Composition, based on the poem Where I'm From by George Ella Lyons.  This was written while we were married, about my life in general, as a daughter, a wife and a mother...


I Am From

I am from a willow tree
Swaying peacefully on Grandma's hill.
I am from wild strawberries that ripen in the sun,
And flower gardens in bloom.

I am from leaves changing in the fall,
And the laughter of kids in costumes.
From Spaghetti and Pepsi, as birthday candles flare.
I am from footed pajamas and copper ringlets.

I am from my love, he works hard everyday.
I am from the brown cow, lulling softly to her newborn calf.
I am from the smell of sweet hay filling the barn,
And the rustle of happily munching cows.

I am from juice boxes and sippy cups,
And clothes scatterered about. I am from
"Mommy I love you!" and "Goodnight Moon"
I am from Coyote Kisses and great big bear hugs.
Cowboy boots, a Spongebob blankie,
And a stuffed doggy named Bubba.

I am from strong women, generations passing down.
I am from survival and drama, love and abuse.
I am from a mistake that opened another door.
A window that let the sun pour through
On a rainy day. I am from a rainbow.
A beautiful blend of colors, stretching gracefully across the farm.
I am the pot of gold.

Teah Ranney
January 2010

The Ship

This is a poem I wrote for Philip, dealing with my emotions of being seperated. It's how I envision many people dealing with seperation and divorce must feel. I wrote this a couple months before filing for divorce while we were seperated but co-habitating...

The Ship
By Teah Ranney

I feel so lost and all alone, the feelings are cold, I'm chilled to the bone.

Not really sure where life goes from here, I want happiness but it doesn't seem near.

My heart has been shattered, the pieces are glued. I wish I could find that my comfort renewed...

Instead the glue has gone by and just doesn't hold, the pieces still fall as I keep growing old.

Half of my life, we have spent it together, I thought we were tough, and the storms we could weather.

Now I see that our ship has been hit and is sinking, we can never agree on what we are thinking.

Do we love each other for real any longer? Can we repair the ship and make it be stronger?

Will we drown with our ship in the ocean of sorrow? Today is the present, will we be here tomorrow?

My mind often wanders to a happier place. Thoughts of our past bring a smile to my face.

We once had a good life I wouldn't have traded. I know that's gone now and I feel like we're jaded.

My soul mate, my lover, best friend all those years. We once cried together, now we're split by our tears.

We have been through so much that no one could see. I held you through sadness and you held onto me.

The world was against us but we kept trudging through. The world is my enemy 'cause I'm lost without you.

I'm not really sure what to do with my pain, it gets harder. The bitterness and anger make me tread in cold water.

I want to let go of my sadness and give up the fight. My heart be not heavy, but cheerful and light.

Can we do this together? I really don't know. I haven't lost hope that we can learn how to grow.

To be the best parents, we know what to do, and to be better spouses, that's a goal that is new.

I love you today and I will tomorrow as well, I'm trying to show you but we're walking thru hell.

Our love for each other must lead this trip, and our memories, the map to a newly built ship

Broken Windows, Open Doors

My marriage both began and ended with a broken window. When I reflect on my life, symbolism is abundant. People say that we have little control over where destiny will take us and that life just happens the way it was meant to happen. I don't know how much I believe that... but sometimes it seems to me that my life could be straight out of a well written novel.

On February 2nd, 2002 I married the man I thought would be my partner, my best friend, my soulmate for the rest of my life. I envisioned growing old with him and rocking away on our farm while sun shined on our grey hair. We had been a couple for 5 years and at 20 years old, I couldn't view my life any other way. Our wedding day was perfectly imperfect. Our flowers arrived late, the church had lost power the night before in an insane ice storm so it was cold and the organ was frozen. No music, running off schedule, and the night before, a huge chunk of ice had blew off our home and smashed the windshield of my fiance's truck. Our crazy hectic life started with this shattered glass.

Fast forward almost 10 years later. Life got the best of us. After 2 kids, a failed Dairy farm and insane amount of debt later, our marriage was crumbling. In a brief altercation between us on July 4th 2011, out of anger and genuine panic at the loss I was surely facing, I broke his truck windshield. This is an action I am not proud of, but take full responsiblity for... thus ending our marriage with this shattered glass.

I filed for Divorce on July 7th, 2011. 

This blog is my journey.  How broken windows have opened doors. I am a 30 year old woman, learning how to function on my own, as both a mother to my children, a single girl trying to learn the ropes, and living (and learning to love) a life I never imagined.

Buckle up and enjoy the ride...